What I Feel Is The Only Truth
by sensitive touchdown
Summary: [AU] Albel's thoughts about Fayt and his life. Is there any reason why we exist? What makes our lives worth of living?[Oneshot, slight yaoi: AxF]


**What I Feel Is The Only Truth**

-------------------------

About The Story: 

This story is only one-shot. The pairing is **Albel**x**Fayt**, kinda one-sided though... **Don't like yaoi? Then You might as well leave now.** I may have some grammar mistakes. You've been warned. And… **I don't own Star Ocean 3 till the End of Time**. Kind of **AU**. Oh yeah, and the name of this story comes from **Poet's of the Fall**'s great song, called **King of the Fools**.

From your point of view, Albel might be pretty OOC, but this' how I think that he is. So don't go screaming to me that he's OOC, please.

"Talking."  
Albel's thoughts._  
Diary writings._

-------------------------

I looked at him again. I don't understand why, but somehow I've been watching over him for a while now. Something in him attracts me… It's funny really, how such a worm has found a way through all the barriers I created. Guess I need to give him some kudos for doing that.

Like I said, I'm looking at him again. But this time, it's only the two of us. He's clearly waiting for me to say something… Yes, I had something to say, since I barged into his room in the dead of night. The look on his face was… priceless…

"Do you hate me?" Finally I managed to say something. My voice was… somewhat colder than I meant it to be. But then again, it's always cold. No one knows what I am like inside. I swear, if they saw through these invisible barriers, they would understand. They would see that I'm not as horrible person as they think I am.

I just… need to feel alive. And, I can't help it, if the only way for me to feel alive is to take other's life. Life isn't fair. But it was never meant to be either.

"No, not really."

I frown. Can't help it, but he's probably the first person that has said that, with such genuine voice. No one liked me, yet no one ever admitted his or her hatred towards me. Guess they were all afraid. I would be too, if I wasn't me.

But I had to find a way to cover my shameful life. Scaring off the people around me seemed to be the right choice back then. But now… I'm not so sure anymore. And after all these lonely years, my social skills have faded away. I feel no mercy, no love. Or that's what I've been telling myself since forever.

"Why not? I killed the people dear to you, and was about to kill yourself too. (1)" I said. Maybe that sentence would change that lunatic blue haired boy's head. He has to be insane, if he still can't find himself hating me.

"I think you had your reasons. And besides, it was your job after all, wasn't it?" His smile is so intoxicating. I could stand here for the rest of my life, just to stare at that beautiful smile.

But before I get too intoxicated, I turn around. I don't know why, but I feel like it's not my place to stay here with him. I don't know what these feelings are, or why I am feeling them. But what I know, is that Fayt would never understand what he meant to me.

"Worthless maggot." That's the last thing I mumble, before disappearing back into the cozy inn. I really didn't want to say that, but I couldn't help it. I was too used to it… I was too used to think myself as a superior being, who would never fall or never give in.

I locked myself into my room. It was cold and empty. Just like my home, my head, my heart.

I was completely alone.

…But then again, maybe it was better this way. You couldn't hurt anyone, if there was no one to hurt and vice versa. There was only I, and my thoughts with me. And if I couldn't stand my mind anymore, I could just write my diary, which was already nearly full. It's an easy way to let your emotions pour free, without any hesitations.

I pulled a small booklet from underneath the inn's bed. Then I snatched a pen from a nearby table and started writing.

_Dear Diary._

_Today… was a typical day. I was alone mostly, watching as the other ones were training. I don't need training, that's why I just stood there and watched. And I noticed that Fayt's butt looks really good, when he kneels down… But I noticed that Sophia keeps glancing at him too. That's… ticking me off._

_They all seemed to have so much fun. I barely even remember what 'having fun' is like. The only fun for me is to slaughter enemies and be the greatest. That's the only thing I desire… Well, not really the only thing. But one of the most important things in my life._

_I've been wondering… What's the meaning of life? Is the meaning of life to kill, or to be killed? Is taking other's life the only reason why I still am here? What is so special in the life, that someone's get sad when he or she, or someone around him or her dies? Have I not yet found the reason to live my life with my head hold up high? I swear I'll find the answer someday._

_I wish I could laugh and smile, like the other people. But I can't. Maybe it's my pride, or maybe I just simply can't. The only smile I can form is a maniac grin. The only emotion I know how to show is hatred and superiority. _

_But deep inside, I am nothing. I'm just a worthless maggot, who gets all the strength from just acting all superior. I'm not what they see… If I look into a mirror, I don't see myself as a scary person, although I know that the others do. The only thing I see is hidden misery and pain, and unfaithfulness to this world._

_I've always thought that I could never find myself in love with someone but… I'm not so sure anymore. I don't know how to handle this feeling I've held for Fayt for a while now…_

_What I feel… is the only truth I know._

_Please someone help me…_

_Albel the Wicked._

I sighed. Another page of my boring life is now written on these ragged pages. As I flip through the pages, I can see my life running right before my eyes. My life seemed so long… filled with endless struggle against myself, and the people around me. Why do I keep fighting for, if there's nothing to gain? Everything will fade in the end anyways.

I lied down on my bed and closed my eyes. I could try to sleep, though I knew already that it was nearly impossible. Lately, after joining Fayt's team, it has been rather hard to fall asleep. The thoughts of a certain blue haired man kept crossing my mind. I don't know why, but he just won't leave me alone. It's like those demons from my past that keep haunting me, only Fayt's not unpleasant and distorted like them.

I'm thinking too much again.

-------------------------

"Albel!"

I felt something sharp pierce through my back. Blood dripped down from my chest, falling down on Fayt's face, who was beneath me. I couldn't just stand back and watch as that monster approached him… It was like my body would have been out of control, as I jumped right between Fayt and the monster's claw.

"You… worthless maggot… always on my way…" I mumbled, as I fell down next to the blue-haired man who gasped loudly. The pain was a lot greater than I had thought. But… I did it for Fayt, so the pain wasn't significant.

This was probably the first time in my life, when I actually did something unselfish.

"A-Albel, you…" Fayt mumbled, clearly not noticing that the monster was ready to strike again.

"Watch out, you fool!"

I pulled him away from the monster's reach as it tried to stab its claw on Fayt. But, after hitting the air, it started to stagger a little, and Fayt grabbed his sword. I stared at him, with my blood red eyes, as he gave the monster the deathblow, sending it flying to pretty far away from us. I couldn't help but smirk a little.

"Not bad for a worm."

Fayt turned around and looked at me. His eyes held so much genuine concern and worry. It has been… so long time since anyone has showed such feelings for me. Care and attention… I didn't feel like I deserved those two things, especially from Fayt.

"Are you hurt?" He asked, while kneeling down next to me. I sat up, wincing slightly, but I was doing my utmost to hide the pain. Fayt, however, saw through my mask and sighed, "…I don't understand you Albel… You act so cold, but yet you are ready to throw your life away for someone like me."

I frowned. Hell yeah I was ready to give up on my life for someone like Fayt. He was just… too nice. He probably didn't realize it by himself, but his innocence and pureness could lighten up everyone's day.

"Don't be stupid." I growl, like usual. Damn pride… "Dying that way is just too low, even for someone like you. Even worms deserve a glorious death."

Fayt frowned, as he didn't seem to understand my ideology. Well, to be honest, I don't understand it either. It used to be so clear, but it's all in the past. Now that's Fayt's around, nothing's clear anymore.

"We should probably head back to the others." He said, as he stood up. I tried to stand up too, but the pain pulled me down on the ground. I hate situations like this. Makes me feel so worthless and weak. Not in the emotional way though, but the physical.

"You go. I'm gonna spend my night here."

Fayt, who was already few feet away stopped walking and turned around. He made his way back to me and kneeled down once again, "You **are** hurt. C'mon I can support your weight a little… We should be able to make it back."

"No."

_No_? Why on earth did I say 'No'? I can't even take the offer of help from someone… Not even from Fayt? I feel so proud, yet really pitiful.

"Why not?" Fayt asked quizzically. He still couldn't understand my arrogant and cocky appearance… "You know that you don't have to be so proud all the times… It's okay to need other people help. And…"

"Yeah yeah I get it, now shut up already worm."

Hearing the truth from Fayt was somehow awkward. He understood me too well. It was… scary, yet comforting. It made me feel like I'm not all alone in this whole universe. Maybe I shouldn't get too used to this feeling though…

"Fine… I'll set up camp here. We need a campfire or something to keep us warm, since the night will probably be cold." Fayt informed, as he walked next to a small forest, next to the field in which we had been training.

But wait… did he just say **we**? "Excuse me? Don't think that you are staying here with me."

"But what if I do think that I'm staying here with you?"

I growled. But I wasn't really annoyed… I was happy.

-------------------------

_Dear Diary._

_I've finally made up my mind. There's nothing left for me to live for. There's no reason to live, now that Fayt's gone. He went back to his home planet…There's… nothing. Even if I knew that Fayt didn't like me the way I like him, it eased my pain to see him here…Man, this doesn't sound like me at all._

_I can't fight this feeling any longer. I don't know what to do… The person I used to be… my apathetic way to look at things is no more. It's worse than apathy… I… have no reason to be here. I don't feel like killing other people fills up this empty place in my heart anymore. _

_You may be able kill other living beings. But that doesn't mean that everything can be slaughtered._

_If someone reads this diary after I'm gone… tell my regards to Fayt. Everyone else could go to Hell if you ask me._

_And... I found my reason to live, just like I promised. The reason to live, is to find the reason to live.  
_

_Yours,_

_Albel The Wicked._

I saw my blood pouring down on the paper of my ragged diary. I pressed my head against the table and closed my eyes. I could feel it was close. I don't know what's going to happen after this life, but I don't feel like I care. Maybe there will be life, maybe not.

But I'm not afraid. Since even Hell can't be worse than my life in here. Too long I've tried to be on my own… And when I finally felt like getting used to people, the one who was dearest to me was wrenched away. I wasn't even able to tell him about this weird feeling. But I doubt that I would never have done that.

Maybe I'm just a fool, or too full of myself.

Slowly I felt that my conscious left this world. The last thing I saw, as I opened my eyes slightly, was my diary, which was lying next to my head.

-------------The End-------------

A/N: (1) I can't remember how this conversation really went, so I just… wrote something. xD But the rest of the story has no connection to the real Star Ocean 3. Kinda short one-shot… but I hope it was worth of your time. I like reviews... o.o


End file.
